updates + it's my birthday

1. i'm turning 22 this year. i suppose this past year has been sort of a giant disappointment. this same time last year i thought i was moving to new york with my then boyfriend. i thought i might have graduated by this time the following year. i thought i'd be making enough $$ to move away (or at least out of my house). but here i am in 2010, none of these goals accomplished, everything different and still oddly the same. same because i'm still in hawaii. still going to school. still making barely enough. still. there's plenty to be happy about.

i've made a lot of new friends this year. i've got the best friends i could have ever asked for. prior to this, you see, i didn't really enjoy being social. i didn't enjoy maintaining my friendships because (not to dog any of you guys) i just didn't enjoy their company as much as i enjoy the company of the people i've met lately. or maybe i'm just more open or something who knows.

2. i quit my job today. i don't really want to get into the nitty gritty but a few weeks ago a man came into the store and started shouting about how did i feel knowing that the store might close soon. it really got under my skin and i've been panicked lately. there have been signs that this might be true, and these things have left me with an overwhelming stress. i mean, going to work every day worried that this might be my last day is not something i want in my life. plus, i've been planning to go back to school and the schedule there isn't that flexible, i don't make enough money to start moving out like i want to, and i don't really see any real ability to grow in the company. even if they won't close (which i sincerely hope they do not), it was just not a good fit for me for the long term.

today i accepted a job at starbucks. i'm kind of excited, mostly sad because i really love my coworkers at satura. but it's back to corporate america for me, i suppose. i don't mind the free coffee or tea every week, the larger variety of waste to choose from for meals the next day, or the fact that i have a zillion locations to choose from if i want to pick up shifts. it's a slight pay cut from satura initially, but i know that since i'm pretty driven that i'll get an assistant manager position as soon as my three month probation is over. i'm hopeful, and that's all that matters.

3. the weather has been so hot lately that all i can think of is frozen beverages. mostly orange julius, which used to be my absolute favorite summer time fix when i was still working in ala moana. i could also really go for a POG (passion orange guava) ice blended from coffee bean right now, but i don't think they offer the flavor anymore.

today i think i'll be attending the palolo honwanji bon dance. i was supposed to go last week with my mom, but it turns out it's the last weekend in july. i've never been a fan of bon dances, mostly because the food is too greasy, the people are too fat and loud, and mostly because it's just way too hot to be outside this time of year. but i get the tradition, i get the whole sense of community yadda yadda. i guess it's just not a cultural practice i like to partake in.

i know that complaining about it just before going is probably not a good idea. so i'll try and be positive about it. i'll wave at all the familiar faces, the nisei and sansei, some of which i've gone to school with or grown up around. and i'll partake in the ritualistic dance around the center thing-a-ma-jig. whatever. tonight will be fun.

and even if it isn't, at least there's alcohol later, right?

things i miss eating but cannot eat anymore

so for those of you who know me (or even met me and may have made this comment off hand), i can't eat certain types of shellfish. mainly, i can't eat shrimp, lobster, or crab. not even eat things that have come into contact with any of those three. it's made my life a bit more difficult, especially since i'm japanese and most dishes are prepared with or in contact with any of these three. but i've managed, had a few slip ups here and there, but nothing that forced me into the hospital.

lately, because it's summer probably, i've been craving shrimp more than usual. red lobster commercials kill me. i die almost every time i see any menu that has a "seafood special" because it usually means an orgy of things waiting to kill me. i know, i know, i'm being dramatic. there are people out there with way worse food allergies than mine (i.e. gluten, peanut, lactose intolerance). but i suppose the fact that i've gone from being able to eat ANYTHING to now having a restriction, i can honestly say that i'm a little disappointed with my body. thanks, genetics! (side note: several family members on my father's side of the family have a shellfish allergy, including my father whom is allergic to only certain types of crab).

so in my spiteful attitude, i am making a list of things i really want to eat but can't. i know this will not make me feel better but i'm drunk and i don't give a fuck.

1. everything at bubba gumps.

2. tempura

3. seafood risotto

4. shrimp scampi pizza

5. shrimp chips

6. thai style snow crab

7. shrimp sushi

8. lobster tail

9. shumai

10. shrimp cocktail

11. crab cakes

12. lobster bisque

13. fish & chips (deep fried in the same oils as shrimp, sad)

14. crab croquettes

15. teppan style lobster

this list would probably be longer but i'm too hungry/angry to type on.

edit: here's something i'm glad i can eat. bread! me and shokupan man. he lights up!!

me and my illness

I suppose this has been the worst week to be hit by the stomach flu. Something I ate on Friday or Saturday has been bothering me since Sunday. This week I've been surrounded by so much delicious food (my dad's birthday dinner, mom's home cooking three nights in a row, pizza at J.J.'s) and it saddens me so much that my body is refusing it and just simply expelling it from my body. I'm sorry if this is TMI for some of you but I feel the need to talk about it.

When I was a kid I remember not understanding what it meant to get sick. I couldn't really grasp the idea of being perfectly well one moment then feeling like the world was ending the next. I remember someone once trying to explain to me at the age of eight or nine what the stomach flu was. "It's like, you ate a bunch of really bad men with guns and they're inside guarding your stomach, kicking all the yummy food out." And really, that's all it really is.

I'm lucky, of course, that I'm not vomiting. I feel like food exiting the body that route tends to be unpredictable. For the most part, my life is the same. I just sit on the toilet longer and have probably used a months worth of toilet paper in the last five days. I'm fine, really. I think I'm able to handle most solids again. But... quite frankly... I'm too afraid to try.

None the less, I've somehow been able to subsist on liquids. Soups, gatorade, jello. Quite the menu! I still feel hungry all the time. Not so much right now... which is worrying me. Am I getting used to not being able to eat? Is this normal?

This is such a scattered blog and I guess that's the point. Lack of food has made me loopy. On the bright side, I've lost five pounds in the last five days and while that isn't a fact to be really proud of I guess I'm trying to stay positive! Screw exercising. I'll just keep eating somewhat bad food and keep getting sick until I'm a size zero again.

Kidding, of course.

supermarket finds!

a few weeks ago my mom and i made an unusual trip to salt lake to visit the carpet store. afterwards, we stopped by target which was right next door. salt lake/that whole area of aiea, pearl city, mililani, ewa, etc is such a strange place. i'm so unfamiliar with it... but to be honest everything looks exactly the same. maybe i am really a townie since i can only establish where i am based on landmarks around me. this cannot be so when you're out there. there's just houses. a TON of houses. i can officially say that suburbia scares me.

because there was only a pizza hut and a starbucks to eat at... we became desperate for decent food. luckily target has food in the form of a freezer aisle and this was on sale for $4. frozen pizza this cheap? unheard of! plus it said that the ingredients were "imported from italy." really?! i was excited.

(note to self: you can't fucking take pictures at 3ft distance. FIGURE IT OUT, GIRL!)

mom made caprese salad with cherry tomatoes and bits of anchovy on top! this ended up being much more delicious than the pizza which was a hot circle of garbage (thanks, kevin, from the office for this quote). why was it bad? there was no flavor! the goat cheese had the strangest texture... and since it wasn't evenly spread you'd just get huge bursts of goat cheese and then... dull... crappy... frozen spinach flavor. yuck. never again.

i've been trying to be more frugal lately but it's hard. i'm an impulsive buyer-- i'll admit it! so when i saw all these items on sale i could not resist. do i really need the equivalent of 20 servings of miso soup in the middle of the summer? ...no. but i might. plus this stuff doesn't go bad, right? right!

i'm really excited for the item on the far right, which is something i haven't seen before. it's just the miso paste except it comes with small baby clams inside! we will see how that actually tastes. i don't want to hype it up too much for myself (like i did for the pizza) only to be sorely disappointed. the miso ramen in the dead center is always good. the soup packets are delicious and the ramen is exceptional for the processed type. $1.50. i just wish it was a just-add-water kind of deal so i could bring it to work.

anyway~~ that's all for now. heehee.

break in the new (life)

my mom said something really great the other day. "sometimes, decisions cannot be weighed by their morality. sometimes they are just decisions. there is no good or bad."

and that's just about how i feel lately. i don't think anything i did would have mattered in terms of the good or bad. the end result is the same, regardless. and i guess it's just coming to terms with that. i can be mature about it. i know i can do that. i know i'm good at that.

i've spent most of my saturday and sunday indoors and there was something incredibly refreshing about it. i think i might actually enjoy being alone (for once) and have taken it for granted. i've been able to watch a lot of things i've been meaning to get around to, read a lot of books and articles i never had the time for, listen to albums i downloaded months ago. the whole thing was a breath of fresh air. a new start/life/me, if you will!

my current dream is to learn to play the guitar so i can play this song. anyway, i will take this moment to announce my temporary hiatus from facebook! i fear i spend too much time on it (nonsensically playing games) so i decided to see how my life goes without it for a while! wish me luck.

today is just one of those days.

for the last three hours i've been cuddling with my cat and listening to this on repeat.

i wish i had a better way to spend lazy days like this. maybe reading. maybe eating. i am doing neither.

i guess i'll just play the sims instead.

life lately

how i've been feeling/looking/acting. blarrrghhh.

lately i've been enjoying overly simplistic meals. rice, karashi mentaiko (spicy pollock roe), sometimes miso soup. i crave just the flavor of good quality rice and have been eating bowls upon bowls of it lately. maybe it's just an asian fix i'm in... or maybe it's because it's too hot and i don't want to do anything in the kitchen. this is not good, guys. my laziness is even leading me to consider eating the somen that sits in our fridge. i absolutely hate somen more than any other noodle in the world.

i want to start baking again. my desire to make pies is so great. perfect timing since it's cherry season and it'll be over very soon! i was at my dad's house a few weeks ago and discovered this show called "cupcake wars." have you seen it? it's like this super extreme iron chef style cooking competition. it's so intense! i made my dad hold off taking me home until we saw who won. it was this sort of amy pohler-esque girl and her really hippy eco-designed cupcake tower. then it turns out it's an actual SERIES?! there has been more than one episode aired? my mind = blown. i really really wish i had cable tv but am half glad i don't because then i'd never be anywhere anymore.

in not-food-blog related news, i just watched 120 days of sodom today. i downloaded it yesterday after reading the top 10 most horrifying movies of all time (it was like number 4 or something on the list). i figured it couldn't be that bad because it was ranked below the exorcist and that movie was more funny than scary. I COULDN'T HAVE BEEN MORE WRONG. i mean, it wasn't really that bad but it was a lot worse than i had anticipated. reminded me of hostel.. except a lot more graphic in a eww that's gross as opposed to a ho shit that's fucked up kind of way. you know?

this video is not safe for work/home/life. just a warning.

inspiring me to read the book, though.

youtube + cooking

it's july! this means birthday month, it's-really-summer celebration, and bbq time! normally i'm not excited for any of these things because hawaii summers are especially brutal (although i know that my friends living off island are experiencing humidity that is just as bad) but i don't know! this year i'm trying to stay optimistic and happy. i'm hoping this carries on till my birthday at the end of this month!

so for those of you who aren't in close contact with me... or you don't really read this blog.. i've been really aching to get a canon ae-1. i managed to for the amazing price of $60 including shipping!

hello new friend. i can't wait to wind you up and get you going!

but in more food related news...

when i cook i'm kind of retarded when it comes to recipes. i mean, i don't know, it says continuously stir. am i stirring vigorously? lightly? when do i stop? why doesn't it say? i need to be told exactly what to do. that's why i love youtube. i can type anything into the search bar and someone has probably made a video on it. it's way more awesome than most recipe websites because instead of simply offering you a photo of what it should look like when you're done, they give you a step-by-step process on how to make it!

personally, my favorite food blogger is chef john with food wishes.

i subscribed to his blog some aeons ago and am almost afraid to go on youtube these days because i can't stop myself from drooling. yesterday, i caught this video (above) and realized oh snap! carbonara is super easy to make. i have all those ingredients right now! inspiring me to actually cook which is so great! his videos are probably one of the best on youtube in terms of quality. you see the exact steps one by one laid out. he also offers the recipes on his website.

anyway you guys should check his stuff out if you're wondering what to make yourself for dinner. so many great videos to choose from!